


In Its Box

by SisterDuffin



Category: Casualty (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-05-31 18:29:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19431679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SisterDuffin/pseuds/SisterDuffin
Summary: The problem with depression or any mental health related illness, is that it always wants to drown you when you’re already down. [Alternative to the Dementia storyline]





	In Its Box

She sat in the lounge, on the floor with her back against the settee. In her lap the antidepressants she’d been prescribed earlier that morning. She sighed, fiddling with the box. Did she really need to take them? It wasn’t the first time she’d been diagnosed with depression over the years nor was it the first time she’d been prescribed medication but there was something different this time round.

Her first incline that she perhaps suffered from a mental health illness wasn’t long after her rape ordeal. She was on edge twenty four seven, hyper-alert over every sound, restless. Not to mention, she displayed the signs of depression: excessive teariness and hopelessness. Fortunately, meetings with the rape crisis counsellor, taught her ways of dealing with it and she eventually “got over it” without the need of antidepressants.

The second time was twice in the same year back in 1988. The death of her first real boyfriend was the first lot of depression. She didn’t know how to feel about his death. Although they’d split up, she still loved and cared for him dearly. She was moody, short-tempered and withdrawn which didn’t go unnoticed by those around her. But she coped eventually, “got over it” once she’d been able to say goodbye.

Ewart’s death towards the end of the year made her exhibit the signs of depression once more. Only this time they were severe enough to impact on her daily life. Duffy had always been close to Ewart, she’d considered him somewhat of a father figure. It pained her that Ewart was dead, so much so she struggled finding a way through it. It was during this period, that she required the antidepressants for a short while but she eventually began to cope without the happy pills.

Duffy didn’t suffer from depression for a while, it did, indeed seem to be hiding in a box somewhere. Until her relationship break-up with Andrew and the slightly surprising news she was expecting her first child made it pop back up like it had never really gone anywhere. A couple of weeks of grieving for her broken relationship and dealing with her out of control hormones and she seemed to be right as rain.

Post natal depression was soon added to list of mental health disorders after the birth of Peter. A nurse, a single mum and hormones weren’t a mix to be added together. But once again with the right level of support, it turned into something she was able to mange and cope with. But there were several things that made it reappear again: things like breaks ups, moving away and loneliness. She required more antidepressants during her period away from Holby, the period that was supposed to be the best years of her life - raising a family. She was lonely, her husband was screwing a tart, she was working every night shift available on the agency and she was exhausted. There was a brief moment during this period that she considered suicide only to feel absolutely shite that she’d even thought that. She popped the pills in secret away from Andrew, wondering if he’d ever notice the difference in her.

The depression settled for a while once she’d returned to Holby and gained her identity again. And it stayed in a box in a corner for a further two years until she became a widow at six months pregnant. She coped. God, she tried her best but the traumatic birth of her youngest sent her spiralling out of control. Not that anyone knew. No, she was a mum. She had to be strong. She had the children, they needed her. She remained on the tablets for quite a while, especially when her mum died from complications of breast cancer. But it was her secret, swallowing the pills every morning when she thought nobody was watching or noticing.

Duffy came off the medication when she met Ryan. When she moved to New Zealand with the children for a fresh start. But there were moments she found herself crying herself to sleep because she missed her best friend and the place she’d called home for so long. She stayed off the tablets even when she briefly split from Ryan. She stayed off them for years because she was ‘happy’ (although she wasn’t sure she was happy and it was just her new normal)

She didn’t need antidepressants for years but she wasn’t sure if that’s because she was too stubborn to admit she needed them or because she didn’t want Ryan to know she did. Either way, she coped. Even the traumatic birth of her granddaughter that she delivered, didn’t make her depressed. If she was truly honest with herself, she thought she’d got over depression.

But she hadn’t.

It was still there, in its box waiting for the right trigger.

And she found it. Alicia.

She couldn’t quite understand how something that happened almost thirty-two years ago, could still have such an impact on her life. But finding out what Alicia went through, brought all those feelings she felt back then, flooding to the surface. All that hatred and anger, all that fear. It was all still there, seeping through her veins. She tried to stop it taking control, tried to stop him from controlling her again but it was no good. Everything was still there. Every memory, every touch. It was all still inside her, inside the box that had been blown open.

Duffy sighed, opened the box of antidepressants and took one. Swallowing it down with a glass of water, she hesitated before she took the small business card of the coffee table.

There was only ever one way, this was going to end. 


End file.
